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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 15, 2011 3:52:11 GMT -5
OK, I know this isn't a silly dating forum, but it's one of the few where I can trust the peepz to not be complete jerks. So please hear me out...
Here's the gist of the story: I met this girl a couple of weeks ago, she's in a few of my classes, we started to hang out quite a bit. She's generally cheerful, but looks like she's having fun around me, likes my jokes, initiated 'innocent' physical contact a few times, made me hang out with her once or twice last week. In short, I felt like there was a good vibe going.
So I figured, there's a big formal dance coming up, I'll ask her out to test the waters. I did, and she said "I'll definitely go with you but I gotta check my schedule etc". I felt pretty reassured because she made it pretty clear that she's postponing the final word NOT because she didn't want to go with me. So I gave her a few days to make up her mind, we didn't really see each other beyond common greetings.
Today, I tried to flirt a little, but she didn't seem comfortable with it. It was cold so I offered my coat, but she refused strongly. Said I reminded her of home/childhood (at which point I was like FUUUU). When I asked about her "schedule" she said it all worked out, but she wanted to know if we're going "as friends". I said that it pretty much depended on her, hinting that I wouldn't mind to go for more. Then she instantly friend-zoned me, saying she'd only go if it's "as friends". I said "OK" for the hell of it.
Now the question is: should I bother? I mean, she's fairly attractive, and I'll probably want to go to the dance to have fun anyway, but should I bother with anything more? My original plan included flowers and dinner, but at this point is it worth it? Is the girl completely disinterested? Or did I scare her away by pushing too hard?
So to sum it up I'm sort of confused. I've been rejected/friend-zoned before, but it was kind of obvious the girl had no interest. Here, I'm not sure how to deal with the situation - can't tell if the gal's just being too nice, or is being cautious/dishonest/playing hard-to-get. I've got just under two weeks to make plans if any are necessary. I'm planning to skip hanging out with her tomorrow to see the reaction. Other than that, qualified advice is very, very welcome.
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Post by Raison D'etritus on Mar 15, 2011 5:10:02 GMT -5
Welcome back.
I greet you with an advice column text wall:
It sounds like you're looking at the situation with an objective enough mindset that there's probably nothing anybody can tell you that you haven't already considered.
It does sound like there's potential there, and if she's typically that comfortable with you, chances are probably in your favor. Of course, keep in mind that many women are that comfortable with everybody, and even among males there are those of us who are simply idle flirts without any serious interest backing it up. If you're picking up that the behavior is specific toward you, then you're golden.
What you should keep in mind is that lack of apparent interest does not necessarily belie a lack of genuine interest anymore than the converse is true. If she seems put off by an interest in being more than friends, it could well be because she herself feels similarly but is uncomfortable with those feelings due to personal experience/fears/etc.
Also, reminding her of her childhood isn't as bad as you're taking it. Many women WANT that. Of course, it could conjure either feelings of warmth and comfort as well as feelings of helplessness, but these aren't necessarily bad feelings for one to have in relation to you. Unless she has deep fears of intimacy, and trust issues. . . in which case, run! Even friendship could be dangerous.
I recommend playing the friend card, and not being afraid of the friend zone. A strategic attack can be launched even from there if she does, in fact, have a genuine interest in you. Even if you're going to a dance as merely friends, she isn't afraid of the implications of fitting a role typically seen as romantic.
You can well get flowers for a friend, or take a friend to dinner, dancing, hell, even physical relations. Some people are willing to have a full relationship so long as you don't "label" it as such (we call them idiots).
If she doesn't react well to an assertive approach, then don't kill the chick trying to get it out. . . sit on the egg and trust enough warmth will hatch it over time. Worst case scenario, you get a close and important lifelong friend.
But I WILL throw out a warning. Blowing her off to gauge her reaction is an excellent political strategy, but also a dangerous one. Watching (or hoping) for a certain reaction can be just as submissive as sitting and staring at the phone. While there's always the possibility that everything she does is part of a mind game (many of 'em have it hardwired into their brains), letting yourself get pulled in will make everything a mess. Devious tactics are the recourse of those who lack power. Aloofness may well serve you better; if you don't worry about where things might lead at all, they may lead to something better than if you risk making more of it than it is.
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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 15, 2011 5:44:50 GMT -5
A text wall! I love text walls! The whole "childhood" thing was probably due to the fact that we both speak the same native language that is not English, in an American college with few other people able to do that. So the whole thing started on a completely different foot than any "regular" relationship otherwise would. What I'm concerned with is that I'm simply a comforter for homesickness and the like. That'd be the exact opposite of what I wanna see. Primary objective is, of course, to have fun. It's my senior year in college, I spent 3 years working like a horse and I think I deserve some downtime. I want a casual relationship, though I don't necessarily mind something more. I suppose that was an odd post to commemorate an almost year-long absence from the forum, but w/e. Thanks for the reply. I suppose my default strategy thus far is to act natural and play the gentleman on the evening of the date (I love doing that so shouldn't be a problem). Will probably settle on a less fancy dinner and a more tame flower bouquet. Would love to hear more opinions, especially from the girls who frequent this board  P.S. As a side-question: should I cut my hair? Been growing for two years, it's almost waist-length...... Pictures related: img146.imageshack.us/img146/3906/photo00003q.jpg img811.imageshack.us/img811/6924/photo00004k.jpg |
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Post by SkyeWelse on Mar 15, 2011 8:14:54 GMT -5
I can give some general relationship advice that has always been very helpful to me. This was told to me originally by my Great Grandfather.
Look at a relationship between a man and woman as a pair of feet taking steps. You have a left foot and a right. If you take a step forward, you should wait for the other foot to catch up. If the other foot does not appear to want to take a step forward, you can make a choice to take another step forward to hopefully initiate the other foot to move forward as well.
However, if you take more than two steps forward at any time during this walk, both feet will trip and fall.
-Thomas
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Post by Kimimi on Mar 15, 2011 9:44:12 GMT -5
I really like that advice SkyeWelse, I'll try to remember that one  As for me - I'm now married to the man that was previously my best friend so in my own small experience all I can say is don't push anything, if your relationship's meant to go in that direction it will. |
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Post by cronorei on Mar 15, 2011 17:07:29 GMT -5
Replace flowers and dinner with Vodka and Crown. Instant success!
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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 15, 2011 17:42:17 GMT -5
^  "Drinking is good for you, Not anymore lonesome Drinking is good for you, And you will feel awesome!!" (c) Korpiklaani Sorry but no thanks  |
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Post by cronorei on Mar 15, 2011 18:42:15 GMT -5
Nobody said you had to drink, they just come in handy.
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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 15, 2011 19:26:55 GMT -5
So does roofies. Now, serious advice or please move on. Thanks a lot to all the posters who did respond seriously, gave me some food for thought. |
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Post by Este on Mar 15, 2011 19:56:25 GMT -5
I've seen a lot of good advice here, so not sure what I can add.
I think going as friends is a good idea... maybe hold off serious advances and just do some flirting that can be construed as friendly so she doesn't feel any pressure. Personally, I feel like the best method is to give someone the impression that you like them but without explicitly saying so. Then, even if they're slightly or not at all interested, the idea may stew in their head for a while and they may come around.
For example, I had a chick who liked me in high school that I wasn't interested in. But she was really friendly and fun to be around and took just about every opportunity to make me feel like I'm awesome. Next thing I knew, I had feelings for her. And I think this effect is stronger in chicks than in dudes... something to consider.
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Post by cronorei on Mar 15, 2011 20:02:56 GMT -5
Serious advice, she liked you but changed her mind for whatever reason. Become friends, let her set you up with her friends.
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Post by Justin on Mar 15, 2011 22:40:50 GMT -5
but she wanted to know if we're going "as friends". You're screwed. There's more where she came from, trust me. Move on and enjoy your youth. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2011 23:36:03 GMT -5
Yes, that is a tough one. Maybe she thinks of you as a friend but when you asked her to the dance, it seemed awkward to her so she gave you a not so sure answer. Just the way it is sometimes if they are close with you, they see you as close friends they can trust but if you see it differently than they do... well, you get the point. But it might not be what you think. I had the same thing happen with my friend only now, they have been together for two years so I wouldn't lose hope buddy. On a personal note: last time I listened to friends advice, it didn't turn out very good. Good Luck!
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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 16, 2011 3:04:56 GMT -5
Well, isn't that reassuring I think I've mostly gotten over it (wasn't THAT fast), ready to hit on someone else. Only it's shame that the great date opportunity is wasted on a "friend". OH well, all I can say is, if she still wants to be "just friends" after she sees me rolling, HER LOSS. |
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Post by Red Hairdo on Mar 16, 2011 19:35:00 GMT -5
I can give some general relationship advice that has always been very helpful to me. This was told to me originally by my Great Grandfather. Look at a relationship between a man and woman as a pair of feet taking steps. You have a left foot and a right. If you take a step forward, you should wait for the other foot to catch up. If the other foot does not appear to want to take a step forward, you can make a choice to take another step forward to hopefully initiate the other foot to move forward as well. However, if you take more than two steps forward at any time during this walk, both feet will trip and fall. -Thomas Quoted for awesomeness. |
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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 18, 2011 15:54:19 GMT -5
So I suppose congratulations are in order, I apologized and canceled the date. I wanna enjoy myself, not deal with some girl who's afraid of relationships to the point of stressing herself out because of a random date.
Gonna ask someone else out. Wish me luck not to run into another "problematic" girl.
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Post by Raison D'etritus on Mar 18, 2011 16:18:20 GMT -5
*laughing SO hard right now* But no, seriously, everyone's got their baggage. You can look at it two ways. The fact that she's so worked up over it could be a good thing, and she's just REALLY concerned with doing what's right. It could also mean she likes you enough to let the crazy out early. Even somebody who's seemingly "normal" could very well be faking it. As someone who's been engaged to a fuckin' wombat, I can tell you I wouldn't have even gotten to the emotional attachment phase if she'd come out of her hole early. Remember, most of the nutters know they're nutters, and hide the nuttiness until you've already eaten half the nougat. Most of the bars have nuts anyway. If you think you might like what's there to eat, it might just be best to deal with 'em. If you don't like the taste, you can always spit it out AFTER buying it. (and yes, I do realize that one of my few "serious" posts deals with spitting nuts out of one's mouth  )
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Post by ausdoerrt on Mar 18, 2011 16:48:13 GMT -5
^ Can't tell if you're laughing at me or what. I know everyone's got their problems, but there's this and there's that.
If the gal's so concerned to do what's right she wouldn't have made such a huge deal out of nothing. She brought up the "omg not a relationship" when I offered a casual date, and kept stressing herself out. I told her that the date's only possible if she honestly thinks she could enjoy it, and she said no. That's really the best I could do without putting her down too hard. If she's not interested - no harm done; if she is - she can always bring it up again. I certainly won't. I can't decide for her, and can't force her to do what she doesn't want to. Instead, I'll ask someone else or go stag and have the time of my life.
Oh, and I love nuts. I'm a nutcase myself (I'm a metal violin player ffs), and I ain't tryin' to hide it. Though I can't expect it from others, I certainly appreciate it when people are equally honest with me as I am with them. I suppose you could say I'm a really crude person in that respect.
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