Conflicts with friends

[Incog Neato]

d00des, do any of you avoid arguments with your friends to the point that, if something he or she is doing is bothering you, you won't even tell them? (Or even assume that they KNOW they're not doing something right?)

I'm just reflecting on something that happened recently and have come to realize that neither of us even ATTEMPTED to talk things out. 'Course, I was dead-set on getting it through to her head that she had emotional and behavioural problems to begin with and probably does have some emotional disorder(s). >_>;

Given that those issues are present, what were the chances of me succeeding? :P But hey, I was acting on emotion and dishing out something that needed to be said long ago but I never did cuz I KNEW that the moment I said something that put her off, she'd go haywire and think that the entire world hated her and that she was worthless.

So yeah, all we did was point fingers at each other with her saying I was insensitive (how the hell was I supposed to know I was doing something that was grating her?) and me saying that all she ever wants is to be accomodated for EVERYTHING that happens in her life.

In the end, she opted out.

I guess this is how divorces can happen? :P

[Justin]

I don't take anyones shit, and if your friend is really your friend, then giving them crap when its due is actually doing them a favor. Keeping stuff in leads to annoyance and resentment, which is never a good combination.

[Ascended Mermaid]

I don't take shit from anyone either. If they're doing something I don't like, I'll tell them. Sometimes I even go ahead and take care of their problems for them -- no matter how they'll react. Sadly, the reprecussions of this became phenomenal, and I realized something. They weren't my real friends. They were stabbing me in the back all along. No matter what I've done to help them, they always found a way to infect my other friends and turn them against me. So I told them to fuck off, and ditched the lot of them. It was mostly guilt by association, but the culprits of course will always have a special place in my... SHIT LIST.

[Ascended Mermaid]

Unfortunately, some friends practically beg for a fight. I never even had to look for a fight to get into one. XD That's the beauty of these things. I've met some pretty screwed up people, so I have a good idea of who not to hang out with. Unfortunately, since that is a rather absurdly gigantic populace, escapism never seems to work.

...the post I was responding to disappeared. GAH, now it's going to look like I'm double-posting. >.>" You suck, Red.

[Red Hairdo]

Well, I learned from life that losing a friend because of any sort of fight, whatever caused it (except absurd exceptions), is something of no worth.

Therefore I do my best to avoid any problem with any of my friends.
If any of them is doing something that bothers me in any form, then I can talk to them if needed. Talk. Nothing else.


I'm only referring to friends. Friends aren't anyone. People I'm in good terms with is something else entirely, and definitely not a friend.
A friend for me is something strong.
For a stance, I'll get an example. In college I talk to many people, and I think I'm one of the most beloved people from my class between my classmates. But that doesn't mean I consider them my friends.
To me, a friend is: a person you really like and therefore care for, a person you trust, a person you help, a person who helps you.
The most important thing is: be mindful where you are placing your trust.

[Red Hairdo]

Oct 5, 2008 17:32:47 GMT -5 Ascended Mermaid said:

...the post I was responding to disappeared. GAH, now it's going to look like I'm double-posting. >.>" You suck, Red.

XD sorry, I decided to add another paragraph right after I posted, so I deleted the other post and expanded it.

So, to make things less unfair, I'm double-posting too. XD

Looking at the bright side... Spam Post Account increased!
xD

[Ascended Mermaid]

If that's true, then I'm not entirely confident of making friends offline. Trust clearly trumps love and friendship, without trust, you can't have either.

Edit: It's easier to trust people online, and you don't have to meet with them either. I sure as hell don't. Therefore, I do have friends, they're just on the internet. Technically, it isn't that much of a step away from just having imaginary friends. XD

[Red Hairdo]

It's hard to find people to trust. For me, trust is something that is developed; it wasn't always there.
I find it to be hard to be developed, but still "developable".

My opinion though. xD


Edit: Regarding your edit in your post, (xD) I must say that there are many people I have never physically met before who I trust and I consider a friend. Of course you can know the person a lot better personally, but that doesn't mean you can't be friends with them.

[Ascended Mermaid]

Yes, but without trust, I have no time to develop trust. Think about it, that gives them no time to betray me. Therefore, it is best not to have trust, and no time to develop trust.

[Red Hairdo]

The way we are talking, it'd be better to use MSN. XD

Anyway, I... get your point. xD
Well, in my case I actually never wished to trust many people who I trust nowadays. Actually, there were times I thought to myself "I'm not trusting any of them". Within years, I ended up trusting some of these people. xD It's a funny thing when you look back.
But that's just me, anyway. xD

[Kimimi]

I really dislike arguing with people too, but as a lot of my friends were also my colleagues (and generally people I was in charge of) it was pretty much inevitable.

What used to upset me was when I'd have to tell somebody off (speaking as a supervisor here) for something purely work related like being late all the time or being lazy, and they'd take it personally. What they didn't realise is how many times I'd made excuses on their behalf to management, or how often I'd been told to rip them a new one only to give them a chance and a little chat instead.

[Yakra]

I usually tend to avoid arguments by not mentioning to my friends whatever might be bothering me about them. Not a good habit that, since all of one's irritations tend to get bottled up and just grow, grow, grow inside one. And then there's the danger of you just bursting one day and shouting it all out at the person. I suppose if one tells the other person immidiately what it is about them that is bothering you, you might not blurt it out so rudely?

So actually... I don't think I've ever gotten into a fight with anybody in the last few years. O__o Atleast not those who I would consider friends.

Er... I did get into the most GIGANTIC fight with one of co-workers quite recently. It was actually precisely because I kept staying silent at all his little insults and stuff, kept tolerating, and... maybe he never meant his words to be insulting at all? So basically, in the end when I couldn't take it anymore it all came out pretty harshly at the guy. -___-' Lesson in life: One ought to say out loud whatever one has to say, and perhaps the person being obnoxious might actually get it and actually not do it again?

[psybuster]

Can't have fights with "friends" when they all ditch you the instant you become useless to them/they find something more exciting in life, whatever it may be, now can you?

...Yes, I'm actually rather jaded in real life.

[Ascended Mermaid]

See, I can relate to that. That's another reason I ditched my "friends"; technically, they ditched me first.

[MonoTekETeA]

Yeah, I didn't really have friends in High School, and over time I developed a thing for trusting people a little too much.

As of today though, I only have 2 friends, and then all my other friends came from where I have worked these past 3 years, adding another 10+ people I would have never met and trusted. Luckily they always look out for me.

Nice part about my friends is that we have all developed a relation ship where we can really press each other's buttons and rip into each other at times, but we all come back to square one at one point.

I haven't really gotten into fights with my friends. Quarrels maybe, but fights? Nah. I did rip into my one friend for being really negative at Otakon this past year, but he took it all in and was respectful, which was cool and has built a lot more respect and trust in me, of him.

Thats about it though. If it is an annoying tic they have, like smacking their lips or something, I let it slide, even though it may annoy the hell out of me.

Well, off to Chinese!
-Jeremy

[Nalacakes]

I'm really not comfortable arguing with anyone. If an argument starts or someone says or does something that upsets me, I tend to just automatically assume that I must have said or done something to provoke it. Arguing with others just makes me feel really, really unhappy. If I come out on top, I feel as if I'm not respecting the other party's feelings. And if I get talked down, I feel as if I'm compromising my own. If I just assume that the misstep was mine, I end up just forgiving, forgetting, and endeavouring to make things better for both of us.

Admittedly making everything my fault is not ultimately a healthy way of coping with conflict, especially when dealing with those who are really just pretty rotten hearted. Still, it's how I've gotten by since I was very little, and I don't really know any better at this point. My friends and family seem to see it as some sort of kindness or tolerance on my part, but it's really not anything like that. I'm just...really not so good at standing up for myself. ^_^

[MonoTekETeA]

Oct 6, 2008 19:07:06 GMT -5 Nalacakes said:

Admittedly making everything my fault is not ultimately a healthy way of coping with conflict, especially when dealing with those who are really just pretty rotten hearted. Still, it's how I've gotten by since I was very little, and I don't really know any better at this point. My friends and family seem to see it as some sort of kindness or tolerance on my part, but it's really not anything like that. I'm just...really not so good at standing up for myself. ^_^

No worries, I did this for most of my life, and still sit back and think of things this way. It really lets you grasp how much influence you have on other people. A few things happened to me, and knocked some balls into me, so I speak up at times I really deem necessary.

But really, I wouldn't take those view points away I gained in that mindset when I was younger, because people really do feel at ease around you when you think that way, and know how to accommodate others. I find that true in a lot of things I do, and receive a lot of smiles and hopes from others. Of course admitting/gloating about such is a bit un-humbling and takes away from such effects, but hopefully you can use my experience that it can work out for the better, and seek that.

Of course, I also find my self in conversations with people most wouldn't want to have conversations with, or in general have a negative connotation to them, but meh. Lol. My friend is fantastic at small talk with random people, and really just jives with a lot of people, cool to see. Something I really wish I had the ability to do, all depends on the mindset though.

-Jeremy

[Red Hairdo]

Oct 6, 2008 19:07:06 GMT -5 Nalacakes said:

If I just assume that the misstep was mine, I end up just forgiving, forgetting, and endeavouring to make things better for both of us.

Hm, many times I do almost the same, being there only a difference: it's not always I think the misstep was mine (sometimes though I assume so). To be honest, at most times I consider it was a misstep from both sides. Whenever there's a heavy arguement or fight, there isn't "The one at fault", but there are only "The ones at fault".

Also most top-line professionals have to adopt that behaviorism you do (in many ways)*. You have a good habit. Mine isn't an habit, I have to force myself.
So, if I were you, I would be proud of that. =) And I'm sure I'm not the only one here who agrees on that.

* There's even a very known book sold world-widely named "Emotional Inteligence". Forgot the author's name though.

[Incog Neato]

Oct 6, 2008 19:07:06 GMT -5 Nalacakes said:

Admittedly making everything my fault is not ultimately a healthy way of coping with conflict, especially when dealing with those who are really just pretty rotten hearted. Still, it's how I've gotten by since I was very little, and I don't really know any better at this point. My friends and family seem to see it as some sort of kindness or tolerance on my part, but it's really not anything like that. I'm just...really not so good at standing up for myself. ^_^

:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That ISN'T healthy at all. But as long as you don't get super depressed or mopey after it, then I suppose it's ... okei???? ^^;;; Just don't let people step all over you though. :/

Arguments are a weird thing for me. In real life, I try to avoid it -- hell, I try to avoid making people feel bad. This is actually one reason I didn't want to be a supervisor at my previous job cuz I knew I'd have to make those choices that would put me at odds with others.

The main problem is that the gears in my head sort of stop when I'm in a situation when someone is being confrontational. I simply can't think of an "intelligent", confident response. Half the time, I end up looking back at the situation and wishing that I said this or said that instead of whatever wimpy thing came out of my mouth.

I really need time to think when I'm put on the spot.

What this means is that I can articulate much better online cuz I can type something out and then think about it, and edit as I please. Well, before I actually hit the send or submit button, that is. :3

Suffice it to say, it took me some time to think up everything I wanted to say to that friend (from my 1st post). And even now, I don't think I got out everything I wanted to but it's done and over with. I just wish I could stop doing the "I could have said this" or "I could have said that". :P

Oct 5, 2008 16:38:04 GMT -5 Justin said:

I don't take anyones shit, and if your friend is really your friend, then giving them crap when its due is actually doing them a favor. Keeping stuff in leads to annoyance and resentment, which is never a good combination.

I think things would have been better if either of us couldn't take shit. :P I mean, yeah, we'd be yelling at each other but at least it'd be done right then and there when something was pissing me or pissing her off.

Instead, there was a shitstorm where we couldn't just calmly talk things over. But really, if you're going to give me attitude out of the goddamn fucking blue, you should damn well expect it in return. >_>

[Ascended Mermaid]

I'm the same way when I'm put on the spot. Especially during bouts of witty remarks. It's very hard to come up with a response until either a day or an hour later.